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“So my ex-girlfriend and I went out for a nice dinner. She thought it would be fun to get a little frisky in the car on the way home and started to give me road head. About halfway through, I look in the rearview and notice that there is a car somewhat tailgating us. This goes on for about 10 miles before I get to the off-ramp. As I pull off the road, I noticed the car behind me was actually a cop car. 90% sure he knew what was going on but just let it be.”
“I couldn’t stop laughing at some sh*t that happened earlier that day and every time I tried to force down my giggle I just pretended I was moaning really hard. HAeuuughhHHh. Almost lost it when she said, “Yeah you like that?””
“I was on a summer high school program in the UK. She was a couple of years older and it was my first beej. She took great care of young me and it was glorious. Afterward, I was hanging with some friends, and one was an EMT trainee. He started freaking me out because he told me I only knew the girl for a few days and I probably most definitely got an STD. I panicked and asked what I could do to stave off any disease.
Could I sterilize the situation? He said maybe. So I started searching for sterilizing agents but was coming up empty-handed. I finally took desperate measures, grabbed a bottle of mouthwash and poured it all over my dong… big mistake. BIG mistake. I may as well have just jerked off with Icy Hot. The painful minty burning sensation lasted for a good hour. What an idiot.”
“I’m sure it’s happened to everyone, but when I came it was so unexpected/and so much that she choked on it so hard it came out of her nose and hit me.”
“My buddy’s first BJ was unfortunate. He was in his mom’s car and they must not have thought about gag reflexes- and right after she went down, she puked all over his lap and the upholstery. Dude had to clean up the mess, make up a lie about how he puked while driving, and got dumped soon after. Nobody involved cummed that day.”
“Had one during college that wasn’t bad… more mentally traumatizing. I was breaking things off with a girl I had been seeing for 5-6 months, and she didn’t think the split was a good idea. An argument turned into yelling, yelling into tears, and tears into pleas that we could make it work. Things settled a bit and as I left she asked if we could have one more hookup up “for the road.” Sure, why not.
Things started as expected and she eventually went down on me. About 45 seconds in there were some sniffles followed by some silent-yet-still-somehow-deafening sobs. It lasted maybe a minute longer before I realized sad blowjobs are not for me.”
“High school hookup… The girl was treating my johnson like a block of cheddar cheese and she was the cheese grater – nothing but teeth. It hit a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and had to ask her to stop. I immediately went to the restroom to see if she had completely filleted me with those chompers. When I came back, she asked if I had run out of the room because I was about to cum…
No, honey. I ran out of the room because I thought you were turning my dick into an Ed Gein victim.”
“So this is not specifically a story about blow jobs, but more me trying to be sexy which led to a brief and pitty BJ. It was the wife’s bday and we got a badass rental with a pool and the whole place exuded sexy times. We were drinking red wine on the porch and I decided to dip my dick in the glass to then have my lady lick / suck it off. Hot right … WRONG!
It immediately started to burn and I screamed, “hurry and suck off the wine” which then caused it to hurt more. I ended up jumping in the pool to try and cleanse the whole area. The burning stopped about an hour later, but I learned to never stick my dick in alcohol again!”
“It’s pretty bad if you get a terrible blowjob, I mean, if she’s down there, giving effort, I’m here for it. But, if there is too much hand, and not enough mouth, we might have an issue. I had to tell a girl to stop when she was using her hand, like, I can do that!!”
“I hooked up with a Burmese exchange student one night after the bar in college. She’d previously spent the day at a baseball game eating nachos and hot dogs, which she had never had before. Long story short, we get back to her place and she starts going down on me…5 minutes into it she’s projectile vomiting all over her room. She did my biz calculus homework to make up for it, and then I never spoke to her again.”
“Giving your boyfriend a blowjob on a trampoline will almost always result in you throwing up on his dick. Trust me. I tried a couple of times.”
“A bad blow job is better than no blow job – Confucius, probably”
“At 22 y/old I was the caretaker to my grandfather. He had a habit of getting up in the middle of the night and sitting on the living room couch while everyone slept. One evening, I had a Grindr hookup come over and he gave me a blowjob while I was sitting on the couch. It was a good blowjob. When I finished, we heard from the chair in a dark corner of the room, “Would your friend like something to drink?”
“I was on a trip to the Bahamas with my boyfriend and his family. His parents bought us our own hotel room, but there was a joining door connecting our rooms. One night his mom comes in to ask what we want for dinner, but we are both completely naked and I am mid blow job… and all I could think to say was “It was just a blow job! I swear we aren’t having sex!”. Because I thought that would make it better…”
“I had a bunch of red wine and pizza floating around in my system. When he climaxed, my gag reflex activated and I threw up. I didn’t want it all over him, so I cupped my hands and the base of his penis- and shoved all the blood-colored pizza back into my mouth. Good times.”
“I don’t know how to tell this story without being too vulgar, so here it goes. I was getting a blowjob in the backseat of my car once, and I gotta say, it was pretty fantastic… Right up until I had to cum. She didn’t stop so I was like, “ok, she’s really doing this!” She then proceeded to spit it out all me, look me dead in the eyes, and then lick it up. I went from total ecstasy to WTF, to confusion in less than 5 seconds.
10/10 would recommend.”
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